Setting Goals With Your Partner

In this, our initial episode, Daun and Travis hit off the New Year talking about goal planning with your partner. How to plan goals with your significant other, why to plan goals with your spouse, and how to hold your partner accountable for achieving goals together.

Read the Transcript:

Yeah. So this is the first live that we’ve done. So bear with us. We are We are trying it out like it’s 2022. So we have goals for this year that we’ve set together that we’ll talk about, um and so we’re just going to do it. And here we are, doing it. So what you’re doing here? I was just trying to see if we’re wrong, but Okay. Okay. So here we are on our first live. First live on our first Live, and we’re talking about setting goals together as a couple as a couple, right?

So what are some things that you think go into that whole process and why do it in the first place?

Well, some of the things I think goes into it is that it helps enforce the unit. You know, the marriage a couple relationship, because I will be supporting you and you’ll be supporting me, um, with the shared goals that we have. And that’s the other thing is, you know, the relationship should have shared goals. Um, along with our own personal goals. And some of our personal goals can be little shared goals, but this should definitely be some total personal goals and some separate relationship goals or, you know, shared goals.

Um, that’s right. So what do you think happens if people don’t set goals together as a couple?

Well, they usually stagnate as a relationship stagnates, Will, they’ll sit around in the living room and go. What do you want to do tonight? Watch. Oh, I don’t know. Uh huh. Why don’t we watch this? Why don’t we watch that or you want to eat out tonight? Okay. Yeah. Where you want to go? Oh, I don’t care. Where do you want to go?

Right, Right.

So So we started setting goals, actually, when we met, right, right, Because we Well, for me personally, I wanted to know the person that I was dating had personal goals first of all, and then I wanted to know whether or not they have those goals listed and knew them.  And then I wanted to know whether or not I felt that those goals matched up with my goals in some way or another. And then also over time, as the dating relationship continued, I wanted to see whether or not that person was pursuing or working towards those goals. And so there were particular strategic reasons that I was looking for in that. And so I’m one of our like, I think it was our third date or fourth date, maybe.

Yeah. And I think actually, you suggested that.  So what were your thoughts about that?

Well, bonding. I think setting goals together is a tremendous bonding experience, and especially if you, um, sediment exceed them. Um, uh huh. Yeah. For instance, it was one of the goals that we had set together was to do more kayaking and outdoor start hiking be outdoors, and we started. Um Well, well, Went down to the river several times, went to the lake several times. Um, we went on a camping trip with the kids. Yeah. Blended family trip. Yeah. No, it was It was fun.

Um, there was a learning experience, is there?

But, you know, we didn’t necessarily accomplish everything that we set out. But that’s OK. We did accomplish Excuse me. Accomplished a lot of it. Um, and this year, we’ve already started. We’ve got membership down for the paddleboard stuff. Don’t tell the kids. We have a bunch of hiking gear set up, and we’ve got, um, tent and backpacks and stuff. So we’re planning on doing two or three trips this summer this year, this year, this year, maybe more. Yeah.

So, yeah, setting goals are definitely a bonding experience. So I think that the best way to set goals as a couple or to start the process of setting goals as a couple is to obviously have your own personal goals. Right? So you have to have that done. So for a long time. Every year I have gone through the process at the end of the previous year and the beginning of the new year to sit down and write out what my goals are in each of the different areas.

And I actually use a life wheel for that. Um, so I use the different categories that are in the life wheel, and then I also make a list of what? My values. I’m going to focus on what values for that year. And the dog is eating and crunching away in the background.

So, you know Hey, this is live video number one. What can we say? Hopefully, you can’t hear him, but whatever. He’s having a good old time. Usually, he goes and gets a piece and brings it over to where we’re sitting and eats it from there. But he’s not doing that too much right now. Maybe he’s like you must be on video, Mom. Never mind.

Um, so I start the process by getting a new journal every year. Um, and I will create several pages at the beginning of my journal that take pictures of the things that I want to accomplish because I start with a vision of what I want. Um, and so I will go through and I actually use canvas to, um dot com for that. And I will just drop aboard, pull up a board design on Canada dot com, which is a free software for doing design.

And then I go across the Web and find pictures that I like that match up to what I want to do. And so I start with that and then I put them on on the Canva.com board, and then I will print that out and cut them out and paste them in. And so I get something that looks kind of like this. Hopefully you guys can see that. So it has all the different things. So it’s kind of like a mini vision board. And so for me, that’s where I start because I’m visual.

And so it’s easy to put down in images what it is that I’m looking at. And then also, every time I open my journal, I well, look at these particular images and that gives me a reminder of what it is that I’m going to accomplish just kind of like a quick, a quick view. So once I have that down, then what I do is I separate them out. Like I said in the life wheel, and this is not It’s in pencil, so hopefully you can tell. So I just started this process and, um, I start with the life wheel and the different areas within the life wheel, so that for me, I used myself personal goals, my goals for my health, my goals for my career and work.

And I’m actually attending school for my master’s in M F. T. So that’s part of that. My family and friends. My marriage has its own particular, uh, own category money and fun and home. And so I just start with that. And then I start listing outside of that all of the different things that kind of match those different categories. And once I’ve got that down, then I start actually putting them into a list format. Like so. So then I’ve got my personal goals home, marriage, and so on and so forth.

So that’s the process that I go through every year. There are different ways to do it.

You do.

It may be a different way, so, yeah, actually, I have tried setting goals several different ways. I tried doing a vision board and tried writing it out a list. I tried whole bunch of this way. This year. I’m going to try something new. I created a list of things that I want to accomplish with hobbies, health, spiritual, family, self. And what I’m going to do is I’m going to actually use my phone and block out time and my schedule to accomplish that, because one of the things that I’ve learned about myself, as if it’s on my calendar, then I’ll do it on probably 95% of the time.

Um, if I am just like Oh, yeah. Well, I want to work on. Oh, woodworking. You know, I want to do some woodworking this week. Mm. Sometime. Sometime. Yeah, maybe I get too. And that usually gets pushed out to, you know, two weeks or three weeks, and then I get to the garage once a month. Right. Um, if I actually put it in to my calendar, it’s okay. 7. 30 on Mondays and Fridays or whatever. And then 7. 30 comes around and I get a little alarm, and I go. Oh, hey. Sorry.  I gotta get going. This is my woodworking time. You know, obviously, you need to adjust things that they needed, but as soon as possible, from whatever I’m doing, I’ll get out to the garage. And even if I’m just cleaning up, I’m still out there doing something, working towards that goal, working towards that goal. So that’s what we’re going to do. I want to learn how to play guitar this year. So I’m going to schedule probably 30 minutes two or three times a week in the mornings. Because that’s when I usually tend to have most of my free time.

Yep.

It kind of goes on from there, we’ll see how it goes. I, like I said, I usually have. I have goals, and I usually have them in the back of my mind. And I do write them down. But it’s like I said, If it’s not in my schedule, it’s been, Yeah, it doesn’t get done or just kind of Yeah. So hopefully this year like having to try that and see, See if that happens.

So once we have personal goals done, then we come together. And what do we do?

Well, we talk about what it is that we want to do. Like we both have things in health. Okay, We both want to get fit, do some exercise and stuff like that. Um, you may want to lose X amount of weight, and I want to, um, be able to run a marathon. So different goals. I mean, you don’t want to run a marathon. I’m not either. But as an example, try. Come on. No, but what I could do is we set up a schedule, So Okay, we’re We are going to go to the gym twice a week on these days at this time, and then I will add to my schedule.

Okay.

Another two or three days of just running, because that’s what you know. That’s part of my goal. Um, and so it will be a matter of what our fitness schools are like. One of the things that we both want to do is go hiking and camping this year. So Okay, I personally would like to go camping 4 to 6 times this year. Um, and do hiking 10 to 12 hikes with a minimum of two overnight. That’s me. I don’t know. Once you find out where you’re at, then we can kind of blend that maybe all blend in together harmoniously, and we’ll just do that, right?

So after we have the personal goals down like that, then we see what matches up to where there’s cross-reference. Right. Um, and then we can take that and schedule time into the calendar, Like, for instance.  That’s actually on the schedule. Okay, so we want to do 2 to 3 family trips getaways this year. So when can we make those happen? When we want one. In spring and we won’t want in summer. And we want one in the fall.

Okay, well, where can we block that out in the calendar at the beginning of the year So that we can, uh, schedule things around that rather than scheduling that around other things and so that those goals get accomplished. I think one of the other things that we do when we’re setting goals as a couple, um, is that we, um we can ask for where the other person needs support and share where I need support. Right. So, for instance, I could say, Well, one of my goals is to do more painting or one of my goals is to spend more time with my siblings.

And so there’s a lot of ways to be able once That’s on paper to say. OK, well, how can I help support you with that? Well, I don’t really. You know, if the goal is going to the gym, Well, I don’t really like to get up and go to the gym, but I need to get up. So how can we work on that? One of the goals that we’ve been working on is I am not a morning person at all. So, um, it takes me a really long time, usually to wake up, and that’s a goal.

My goal is to get out of bed sooner because I could get, have my alarm, go off, and then hit the snooze button 15 times. So one of the ways that we’ve been able to work on that together as a goal is or for me is for me to share that with Travis and say, Hey, I have a really hard time and you know that already because you’re married to me. So how can we work on this together? So Travis asked me, How can I support you in that goal?

Well, one of the ways that I came up with that we came up together with was, Well, if you hand me a couple of full coffee and say OK, it’s time to get out of bed now and I have to hold the coffee, then I’m either going to burn myself or I’m going to eventually get up. So that is my goal. My goal is to hold that coffee right on my whatever, you know, my chest. While I have the pillows until I wake up thinking I can’t spill this coffee.

I can’t spill this coffee and he leaves the room So he’s like, Here’s your coffee. So that’s work. It works. It has worked. And that’s just an example of working together on goals. Right? So I think you know another thing that having our goals together enables us to do is then also sit down with the kids and say, Hey, these are some family goals that we have.

Do you guys have any things that you would want to accomplish this year, And what does that look like for you? Well, we want to go to the zoo or we want to go to the water park or whatever, and so we can incorporate that into well, we have plans to have three getaways this year. One of them could be something that the kids or one of the kids like to do. And that way it kind of like you said, creates bonding between all of the different individuals in the family and separates them out and still allows them to have their individuality.

But incorporates together how we’re moving together as a team. Yes, and I want to go back just a little bit. Um, when we’re talking about how we can support each other as an example, you want to do some more painting, and I want to do some more woodworking so we can actually block off that time together where? Well, you’re painting. I’m gonna be out in the garage doing woodworking, right? Right. And we’ve actually brought that into working with the kids and saying, Okay, there a specific time on Saturday morning, we call Project Time, and everybody has chosen a particular project that they’re going to work on.

And so we’re able to fit those particular hobbies into that timeframe while the kids are still working on their own. Now, when my kids were younger, that does make things a little more complicated. Um, and you know, well, we can share some strategies about that, like later not right now, but for where we’re at. Our youngest is nine years old, so it’s definitely doable. To be like this is a project will help you get set up with the project. Now, you work on the project, and we’re going to do project work for two hours.

If you’re done working on your project, you can read a book or you can do some other approved activity that we have. So I think that that is, um, that all starts with personal planning.

Right. Um, so what do you do if you run into a situation where your partner does not, isn’t inclined to have goals? Oh, now we get messy… They’re not inclined to have goals, or they, you know, are resistant or whatever. How do you think there are some strategies around that?

Maybe. Well, um, one thing that I, uh, would like two to suggest my, unfortunately, didn’t try this. My past relationships that may have worked may not have, I don’t know, but hindsight’s 20/20. But if you’re a planner and your partner isn’t or a goal setter and your partner isn’t the one thing that you could do is say OK, well, I would like to set some goals. Would you please help me with those? You know, um, if I set these goals down, will you please help me achieve those That way?

They don’t have to worry about setting any goals or anything like that. All they have to do is support you, which, if you guys are healthy relationship, you should be doing anyway. Right? Right, right. So the other part that I have from my past relationships is a goal setter and a plan for myself is to approach the situation with curiosity rather than control right or with assumption. So a good way to start would be Hey, you know, I really enjoy doing this. Is there a reason why you don’t or what you’re like?

What are your feelings behind that? And there could be a lot of different reasons. One of the reasons could be that they don’t know what their goals are. One could be that they feel like if they write their goals down, then they have to somehow accomplish those goals. And then they feel the pressure of that one could be that if they write their goals down. Their spouse is going to force them to do those girls. So there’s control. There’s a fear of control. And so I think one of the biggest things is a lot of people just don’t know.

Um, I know my oldest daughter. She has a very hard time setting goals because she doesn’t know what she wants to do. Um, I love her to death, but sometimes it gets a little frustrating trying to encourage her and helped her move forward when she hasn’t figured out, you know where she wants to be out. So yeah. So, yeah. I mean, that’s a very frustrating thing, if they don’t know. So that would be one of those things if you get if your partner doesn’t know what they want to do or where they want to be at.

Maybe that’s something you guys should probably sit down and explore together. You know, over coffee. Just kind of sit down and okay, say, in five years, what do you? Uh So, um yes. So, yeah. The five years down the road is usually a good goal-setting time frame. It gives you time to work backward that the steps go through the steps of Okay, I want to be in this location. I want to be making this much money. I want to be doing X y Z, and you start there and you move backward.

And then that’s the basis of setting goals. And, um, you know, while my time in the Navio is pretty good at being able to maneuver things around with maintenance and things like that been setting those goals and accomplishing those goals. But it helps if you have a and in goal in mind. I’m His name is Elliot, and he’s a pita. He is a little bug we love so much. Well, some of them on here if he makes it. No, I’m just kidding. So, yeah, I think that that’s I think that, you know, those are some good suggestions.

Obviously, if you’re running into issues where you can’t, okay, if you can’t, um, you can’t have a conversation that is moving anything forward. Um, with your partner about goal setting or about anything at all. That’s definitely a reason to seek out some counseling or some therapy or coaching, which is what we do. Um, together were specifically for, uh, partners in a marriage. Now, coaching. We can get all into this. This video could go on for about 16 hours. But we won’t do that to you. So not today, because this is the first one, right?

Right. Okay. So anyway, we will post more about that as we go. So I hope that gives you guys some tips and tricks about what we do to set goals. Why? We think it’s important to set goals. How it hopes our relationship, how it helps our family. How does, Uh, maybe one of the goals that we should be setting is making sure that the dog is asleep occupied while we’re doing our videos for sure. Anyways, if you guys have questions or comment on anything at all, just drop it below and we will catch you next time.

Talk to you later. Bye.